


What does a human's penis look like, my dear Jonathan?

by Leftleg



Series: Leftleg writes things that stress him out [2]
Category: John Wick (Movies), The Little Mermaid - All Media Types
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Merman fic, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Short One Shot, Theres a penis, fish name calling, he's a merman ?? he don't know what a peepee look like??, if this doesnt prove i need to be supervised idk what will, im crying scoob, succ, there is a mans peni in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 11:43:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13740159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leftleg/pseuds/Leftleg
Summary: He was fishHe was an assassinCan I make it any more obvious?//Santi boi is curious about dicks so John is just like "lol ill show you mine :/"





	What does a human's penis look like, my dear Jonathan?

**Author's Note:**

> listen bithc im not in my body rn to reach leftleg, u need to call back please leave a message after the beep:  
> ps. i know the tags make it look memey but i deadass was deadset on making this at least somewhat enjoyable don't read the ending lol idk what tf is going on

“John! John! I _know_ you heard me calling you at the beach the other day, and I _do not_ appreciate you walking away in the middle of my speech! John! Are you paying attention? John-”

“Shut up! Shut up, _fish,_ okay? I’ve heard enough out of you.”

Santino looked offended at the word ‘fish’, frowning deeply at the edge of the small pool of saltwater, staring hard at John’s back. He _did not_ make the trek around the entire island to find John’s hideaway and he most certainly _did not_ nearly crack his head on the arch of an underwater cave to pop up in the pool to be demeaned and offended.

“I _am not_ a _fish.”_ He spat defensively, “I am a _mammal_ . _Un mammifero._ Some of us,” he spoke on behalf of the merpeople, “perform live birth like whales and dolphins. And my strand happens to do so.”

John didn’t look at the merman behind him, still rummaging around in the pockets of his clothes for a knife.

“Mammals don’t have scales.” John deadpanned as he pulled a pocket knife from his coat, and flicked it open to check the blade’s condition. It was somewhat still sharp, a quick sharpening would be needed before any extreme use. He looked to Santino who was flushed red with angry embarrassment.

“What?”

“Nothing, _stronzo_.”

“Okay?”

Santino opened his mouth, ready to spit out another list of diatribes and a little something regarding the blatant disrespect that John was showing towards him and his people, but when he noticed the shining blade of the pocket dagger, he gulped back his remarks and looked to John. Nervous.

“What is the knife for, John?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because you stabbed me once before.”

John huffed a laugh at Santino’s fear. It wasn’t really a thing to laugh about, but to hear the sardonic sardine who slapped his last nerves, afraid gave John a chuckle. Santino wasn’t laughing at the pool, noticeably retreating into the water, still staring the blade.

“You afraid I’ll fillet you? I’m not that hungry.”

“What is it for then?”

“Why does it matter? It’s not for you.” He wiped the knife on his shirt to give it some shine. He looked it over. Santino eased at that, but not much. John was a killer and so was he, but John was much stronger and had legs and land on his side. Santino only had water and fins.

“I’m going hunting.”

“With that little thing? You’ll die.”

“Yeah well,” John shrugged, not wavered from his plans. If he died trying to take down a jaguar or wherever else lived on the island, he wouldn't fight the future. He had seen enough to last him three lifetimes and then some. Dying on the island wouldn't be too bad either. It seemed to be a pretty nice place to kick it when the time came.

He figured not to tell Santino that.

“you put me here. It’ll be your fault.”

Santino rolled his eyes. He knew it would be somewhat his fault if John managed to get mauled while on the island. But it'd mostly be John's own fault for taking such risks. How dare he try to pin that on him?

“I saved you.  Be grateful.”

“ I think I've said ‘thank you’ more than enough to show gratitude. But thanks again...for the twentieth time.”

“You're not welcome.”

John turned fully to look at the merman, not sure of how to respond. Santino, with a bit of strain,  had managed to set himself on the bank of the pool, running a free over his scales. He didn't look at John, feigning interest in his tail as if he hadn't seen them sparkle and glisten under the sun his whole life. John huffed.

“I take my thanks back then.”

Santino blew air from his nostrils. He put his hand in the water, cupped some,  and wiped it on his tail.

“Incredible. Humans will give praise and devotion to those who have given their all to them, but at one disagreement, they take it all back out of spite. Shameful.”

“Okay.”

“Look, just don't go out and...get eaten or something.”

“I doubt that will happen. Thanks for the worry.”

Santino looked to the side.  “No problem.”

He couldn't really put on an air of concern for the man's safety. If he was as worried about John's health and safety (as he was _kindly_ trying to display) and didn't want him taking down big cats or tiny monkeys with a pocket dagger, he'd have plopped him on an inhabited island. Santino quirked his lip, saying nothing. He felt a slight guilt at the possibilities.

“I'm going now.”  John said, not missing a beat when Santino didn't utter another sound.

“Then go. Go and die.” the merman spat out. It wasn't quite angry, mostly annoyed and sharpened with the frustration of guilt.  There was also a little tinge of jest if you could get past the venom.

“Weren't you just worried I would do that?”

“I was, but you are stubborn and would still go and hunt. So die.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? I just told you to die and you say okay?”

“Not the first time I heard it.”

“You're aggravating.”

“You too.”

“ _Ugh_ . Goodbye!” Antagonized, Santino sunk into the water quickly with a _plop,_ leaving John alone. He looked at the empty water to make sure that the annoying beta man was gone. When he didn't spot the dark blotch of a shadow in the pool, he shrugged and gathered other tools to help in his hunt: a sharpened stick, a pseudo-spear with a crudely sharpened rock as the blade, and a crude net made from whatever tough vines and leaves he could weave together.  John made his venture to the thick brush and forest, sparing another small glance behind him to see if the merman had come back to spit something else at him.  Seeing that he hadn't  popped back up from the deep blue, John waded into the lush forest of the island.

It was dense. Damn dense. Trees were scrunched together, their branches and leaves intertwined,  locked and blocking out most of the sunlight. At their bases were thick bushes and moss-covered boulders. The island was massive, he could tell that from his inland spot: there were large ledges of vine-covered rocks that lead up to a nice view of a nearby mountain. He had climbed up the ledge on his second day,  to see if it would be a good spot for smoke signaling, but a surprise attack by a spider- too quick to see the type- left him feeling wary of the spot.  

He wasn't afraid of spiders, but he also didn't have the resources to combat venomous bites.

Apart from the ledges cut from the “mountain”, but there were caves, both deeper inland and on the banks of the beaches. The caves were generally dark but easy to get to. He had one situated north on the island, farther up and inland for the case of a storm. He blocked it up to keep animals from setting a den there when he was at the bank camp. There were also some fruit trees, a freshwater lake, and even better resting spots for moments when John couldn't be bothered with Santino. But these joys required lots of climbing, carefully planned jumps, and high defensive strategy- things John _could_ do but was greatly against unless he needed to do them.

Plus,  if he could admit it, he enjoyed having the little saltwater pool near his hideaway.  Santino was interesting to talk to, given that he was the only one to talk to.

@

John didn't know exactly how to feel about the... _situation._ He had never been..propositioned with such a thing; had never thought to put much thought into _it._ There was no avoiding it, he supposed. Eventually, the topic would arise and when it did,  they'd _need_ to talk about it.

He just...didn't expect it to be so soon. At all. Like, really, _at all_.

He looked to the side.  The sun was setting,  a full moon tonight. Santino was laying on his side, tail swishing slightly. He had his head propped up on his hand, the other hand pulled at the few sprouts in the grass. John didn't know what to do.

“Go ahead.  Ask.”

“Don't really want to.”

“Don't want to know?”

“No...kind of..? I don't know.”

“John-”

“So is it like...a fish’s…?”

“I’m not a _fish_. I’m a _mammal_.”

“Okay, so is it like a, uh,” John had to think of an ocean mammal. He had never seen a dolphin’s genitalia, but settled for it anyway, “a dolphin’s? Or is it...not?”

“What do you mean _‘is it not’_ ? What else is it supposed to be like?” Santino had rarely seen dolphin genitals. In fact, he had rarely seen any other mammal’s genitals, so he couldn’t really give a firm answer.

“A human’s, I guess.  Or something. I don't know.”

“A human’s?” Santino stopped his picking at the sand. He blushed. He had never seen a human’s before, which made it harder to answer the overall question. He didn't know how to explain his own in comparison to a fish or other sea mammal, for he had only seen his, the occasional other males’, and fish. They all looked different in their own rights, and trying to pinpoint a precise base of comparison was futile, and even if he did,  explaining it to John would be aggravating since the man most likely didn't have a mental picture.

Santino thought about it, though.  There had to be something he could at least relate his own too. Fish had odd things, little slits that opened up and released sperm onto eggs. Some merpeople did that, depending on their lineage. He couldn't use that because his family didn't do that.

Dolphins were a different story: massive creatures, their members stuffed into a fleshy pocket inside.  Their pocket resembling the fish’s, where their penis would come from, located far down the bottom of their bodies. Most merpeople had such things too, even he. But in the matter of appearance, Santino wondered if his was more like John’s or vice versa, because it surely was not a dolphin’s match.

“I-I don't know.”

“You don't know?” Could John get anymore surprised?

“Let me reiterate: I’ve seen dolphin penis, whale penis, seal- I’ve seen them, and they all look different. Come from near the same place but different.”

“O-oh..”

“I've never seen a human’s before,” he added as if John would suddenly back out of showing him. “Can't compare to what I don't know.”

“You've never seen... _really_ ? Never at all? All that swimming and never once have you seen one?” John couldn't believe that. Not at all.  He's seen videos of idiotic men pissing into the ocean,  fully nude just for the hell of it. People streaked in the ocean too. Surely Santi has seen _one_ ,  but couldn't remember.

“What about you show me yours? Then I can make the comparison.”

“Of course not! The penis of a merman is a sacred thing. It is very... _shy_! Very delicate.”

“It's okay to be shy, Santi.”

“I am not ‘ _shy’_ , _idiota!_ I have respect for myself.  And don't use such layman pet names. I'm a prince of the sea, treat me like it.”

“Fine, whatever you say. But seriously,  you're in the water 24/7, yet you've never come across a nude swimmer? A streaker?”

Santino raised his eyebrows slightly, shaking his head slowly.  He had been around lots, yes. Had seen ships of all makes and models, with all types of crew aboard their decks. From stinking old men with yellow coats and hats to cherry-cheeked youths in dresses and suits, but he had never seen anything like _that_ from them. He didn't even know what a ‘streaker’ was!

John blinked at him, unbelieving. Santino always acted like he knew everything about everything, and then _poof_ , it turned out he knew only the basics. John was now faced with a dilemma: end the conversation now, and prompt the other's extreme curiosity so that he could bug the hell out of him _or,_ show him and put the mystery to an end.

John thought it over,  scratched his chin nervously. He looked at the descending sun, then at Santino, who was digging a finger into the sand.

“Why are you out the water? Won't you dry up?”

“Sunbathing.” He said absent-mindedly. Quickly he added: “Don't change the subject.”

“I'm not. Just worried.”

“Anyway…”

“Anyway?”

“Are you going to show me _it_? Yours?”

“Uh...if you want? This is weird.”

“Weirder than merpeople actually existing? There are stranger things out there, John.”

“Yeah well,  until I see them,  this will be the top bar of weird shit. And no offense, but humans don't go around showing off their…” John waved his hand, using it as a silent _‘you-know’._

“Cocks.” Raw.  Uncouth. Cringing, John leaned back on a boulder.

“Don't say it like that.”

“That's what they're called, right? Cocks, penises, dicks, joh-”

“I get it, you know the names. How have you not seen one yet know what to call it?”

“People talk. Usually around the docks and piers. They talk about stuff like that. Something about the water makes people get touchy and close.”

“Hm. Okay.”

“I want to see it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay...okay, sure.” John looked around, waiting for some camera crew to pop out and end it all. He wasn't shy about it or anything,  people had seen him naked before and it wasn't as if his was new or different or _special_ from any other man’s on the earth,  it was just that to Santino, it would be. That's what made John nervous. Begrudgingly, John sucked it up. Then reassured himself: what was the worst the merman would say? Santino couldn't tell if the size was too big or too small,  girth thick or not thick enough because he had never (or so he claims) seen one;  John could say it's supposed to look that way and Santino would be none the wiser.

John then stood, legs a bit weak. He nervously went for his belt,  hands shaking and fumbling with the metal and leather.  He got a grip on it,  then paused.  He watched Santino as Santino watched him with focused, unwavering eyes. He was interested. Genuinely interested.

John sighed,  he _had_ to do it.  Just this once. For his sanity and Santino’s curiosity.

John undid the security of his pants, holding them up so they wouldn't unceremoniously fall to the ground. He moved a bit closer to the pool, the sun now gone left the moon in full glory. Santino wouldn't be able to see it properly if he didn't get closer.

He eased his pants to his ankles and kneeled to be on a level where the other could have a good view. He heard him suck in a breath when John reached for the opening of his underwear, for a moment,  Santino tensed up,  his eyes flickered from John's crotch then to his eyes.

“Wait.” It sounded nervous. Santino was inching back towards the water. John repositioned himself so that the rocks in the grass didn't dig into his skin.

“What?”

“Let me..get back into the water.”

“...alright.”

John was really about to blow his mind.

Santino sat up,  then slid into the water with quick ease. He turned around to John again. More relaxed.

“Come closer.”

John inched over. Santino gave him space to dip his legs in the water. It was cold.  Very cold. He crossed his ankles,  waiting for Santino to give the o.k.

“Can I show you now, or is there anything else I can get you?”

“Shut up,” Santino chewed his lip.  Gods, Galia would have a field day tearing him apart for this one. Whatever. Not important.  “show me.”

John nodded,  hand going to the opening and hooking out with his fingers, pulling it back enough to reach in and grab the night's topic of discussion. He reached in and pulled it out.  He wasn't hard so it wouldn't be awkward,  or _would_ it be? Whatever. Not important. He didn't know what to do now,  it was there, in the open to be seen.  He felt that holding it would be “showy”, so he left it limp, waiting for Santino to say something.

He was so bewildered at the sight, it was almost laughable.  His features were all pointed up: eyebrows raised, eyes wide,  mouth a slight curve of excitement. He was amazed,  rendered speechless. They sat for a moment,  in which Santino did nothing but whisper.

“That's it..there it is…”

“Yeah. That's, uh, that's it.”

John felt that his... _John_ had overstayed his welcome. He also needed to get to making a fire for the night, so they'd need to wrap this up quick _._ He reached to put it away,  Santino reached it first,  wrapping a wet,  slick hand around the shaft. It wasn't a firm grip,  loose but tight enough to tell John that he wouldn't be putting it away in the near future. John choked at the touch.  First contact in weeks will do that to you.

Santino looked it over,  studying it. It was heavy in his hands, a bit thick too, covered with skin, a small opening at the front. Inside he saw something pink, a bit shiny.

He lifted it to study it's under, then moved it to glance over the sides. There were lines of veins, less prominent on one side, the other blank. The skin overall was smooth and secretion from his own body made it even more so. He moved his hand up, thumb and forefinger on the skin of his tip. John shuddered slightly at the feeling of Santino’s hand sliding along his length. Yikes. The fingers there messed and mused with it, rolling it with the tips of his fingers.

“What's this for? This skin here?”

“It, uh, just covers...everything..” What the fuck _?_

“Hm.” Santino’s fingers pulled it back,  exposing the head inside. It was John's turn to suck in a breath, he knew Santino wasn't exactly aware of what he was doing to him,  but if John had been any other man,  he may have turned the penis discovery into a new lesson.

Santino looked at the pink dead on, it was...oddly tantalizing, if that was the right word. It was rounded well,  a nice fleshy shade,  and just so _alluring_ under the moonlight. It made him hungry,  looking at it. He didn't want to put it in his mouth to taste it,  that'd be weird, but his impulse control was shot,  his mouth aching to have it inside as if it were a food and he staving.

“Does it have a taste?”

“ _What?”_

“Nothing.”

When John felt _that_ , his mind nearly clocked out. The warm and wet of Santino’s hand, went to a hotter, near fire like heat.  The wetness engulfed him fully, unlike when it was a simple hand.  He felt the edges of sharp teeth pressing into the meat of his shaft, the press of his tongue pushing up. A suck, a vibration from the throat. _Yikes_.

John held back a groan. When Santino began to practically make love to his dick, John clocked out the part of his brain that reminded him that this wasn't _that_ and was a learning experience and replaced it with the beast known as lust.

Santino licked and sucked on him,  head tilting every so often to taste more of him. Untrained and new,  his mouth not too sure what to do and his technique was sloppy. Still,  the effort was there, the feeling of mounting pressure in John's gut was there,  and that was what really mattered.

Santino pulled off, looking into John's eyes. He was breathing hard and gave a weak stroke. Exhausted already?

 

The younger man stroked him more, letting John roll his hips and thrust into his hand. He felt it twitch. That was new. Why did it do that?

John's breathing grew rough,  chest rising and falling with each breath. Something else happened, a liquid, something clear, had begun to seep from the hole of John's cock. Curious, he licked it. Salty, familiar, given his home. He took him back into his mouth,  making the older grown loudly and mewl at the sensation. He tensed and moved, pushing deeper into his mouth.  Santino furrowed his brows, but took the hint that John wanted to go deeper and gripped, the slickness from his hands making the effort a bit hard to do. He did a small, half stroke before taking in more of the length.  He was slow with it,  still very unsure of what exactly was happening,  but he had a trust in John.  He would tell him later.

He felt a hand in his hair, petting him,  massaging his scalp.  He felt fingers grace his ear,  smoothing down the hair on that side of his head. John's hands were gentle and welcome.  Santino took that as John enjoying this.  What _this_ was. John moaned,  but it was more of a collection of deep or pitched sighs,  the occasional broken stutter of words coming when he had let John grasp the nape of his neck and push himself into Santino’s mouth.

In and out,  the motions grew quicker, the feeling of John's cock in his mouth,  rubbing over his tongue and teeth,  gracing the back and barely touching his throat,  gave him a rush. A surge of pleasure and discomfort down his spine. He closed his eyes, letting the older man do what he liked with his mouth, trying to breathe out of his nostrils while he did.  It wasn't long until John had slowed his motions, his pulse thumping on Santino’s tongue.  He tried pulling out, not quite sure if the best thing to do with a person's first blowjob was to cum in their mouth, but Santino wouldn't  let him go. John fumbled out a warning, he was close and the continued humming and sucking wasn't the best for the situation, but _God,_ for a person's (supposed) first time,  Santino was a beast. He gave John a look, then pulled off him,  just enough to catch the head between his lips and sucked,  pressing the tip of his tongue into the slit. He made eye contact with John, giving a final sing-song hum. John's whole body tensed up then, releasing into the younger’s mouth.

Santino was...surprised. He recognized that liquid though: white and thick, sticky too. He didn't want to swallow it but did so anyway,  not wanting John to have some joke material. He let John's member go,  then made a face. John was embarrassed.

“I'm sorry.”

“You really did that.”

“I did.  I tried to tell you.”

“Whatever, just...put it away.”

“Okay.”

This wasn't a thing to argue about. Not with his dick out.

He stuffed himself back into his underwear. Santino turned his back to him,  putting a handful of water into his mouth. Both salty-no difference, ugh.  He heard John move,  the water moving when he took his legs out the pool.

“So…”

“That was an experience.”

“It was.”

“Don't do it again. It's disgusting.”

“Don't put things in your mouth and you won't have to worry about it.”

“Whatever,  I'm going...home." Santino was flustered yet again, but tried to hide it with a mask of indifference,"Go build your fire or sleep or whatever you want.” 

John looked off to the side, feeling that it'd be even more awkward if he had looked at him than it already was, “Yeah... I'll do that."

Neither of them moved for a bit. They were both reasonably embarrassed by what had just occurred considering that it wasn't supposed to turn out the way it did. It was shameful, and Santino could hear his inner self scolding him for it. Once the weight in the air became too much to bear, Santino,  _again_ , made his move to dismiss himself first.

"Good, um, goodnight?"

"Yeah, uh, goodnight, Santino."

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you're reading this, it's too late.  
> [you can come find me in the middle of the street and punch me tf out thx]
> 
> * it just occurred to me that 5020 words is about 12 pages and wow i didn't mean to do that lol


End file.
